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The Parent Check Up
Someone once said, “You tell me who or what you spend your time daydreaming about, and I’ll tell you who or what your god is.” What do you daydream about? How do Teens define Success? Our
teens are growing up in a culture that teaches money equals success.
It is hard even as an adult not to get wrapped up in the pursuit of
material things. We all want to be happy and feel a sense of
fulfillment and our society teaches that the more things a person has
the happier they are. From the outside looking in this can sometimes
appear to be true. But if we stopped and really examined this
mindset I think we would quickly find that this is an empty promise.
There are plenty of people in our world right now who are rich and
absolutely miserable. By the culture’s standard Lindsay Lohan &
Britney Spears are successful business people; they have fame and
fortune. Yet these two young ladies are struggling with their life
decisions.
Modern day teens are chasing the “American Dream” The sensible plan is to do well in high school, go to college, get a promising degree so you can get a high paying job, then you can have a big house, nice car, and every item that will make you comfortable and happy. Achieving these goals is not necessarily bad, but is that really what it is all about? I fear that many of our teens are chasing after an unattainable goal. The hunger for money never seems to be satisfied. Once we obtain one thing we move on to the next. What happens when the bar for success is set so high our teens can never reach it? Maybe the better question would be what happens when our teens reach their goal for “success” and it still leaves them feeling empty? Our
modern day teens are the most money hungry generation to exist, and
yet the number of kids confused about their purpose in life is at an
all time high. What does this say about the values they have
absorbed? As adults we should examine the model we are setting for
the younger generation in this area. If they looked at the way we
live how would they say we define success? Is it by great jobs,
fancy cars and big houses? Or is by being a person who finds their
joy in loving God and loving others? As the book Youth
Culture 101 says,
“we must teach our kids that the real measure of success in life
is how much they’d be worth if they had absolutely nothing.”
Needs Vs. Wants Have
you ever been guilty of referring to your needs as wants? When I
think of needs I think of something that is a necessity. Something
that you absolutely cannot live without. Water, food, clothes,
housing, etc… I think we all get the point. But have you noticed
that in our society these two words are considered interchangeable?
Upon many occasions I have heard teens talking to each other about
their “needs” and it makes me wonder do we really understand the
difference? I “need” that new cell-phone. I “need” those
pants. I “need” to see that movie. I “need” that new video
game. Things that should be considered as wants are often referred to as needs. This is not entirely our teens fault. We live in a world that teaches us we can “have it our way.” The average American’s standard for living is often set so high that things like a flat screen TV, nice cars, laptops, and name brand clothing become something we view as necessities. Today’s teens and even adults don’t have a good perspective on material luxuries. We are consumed with ourselves and the thought that “our” world is “the” world. The level of poverty in many countries matters very little to the average American teen.
There
are plenty of examples of this mindset all over today's popular
culture, but one in particular seems to stand out. MTV has a show
called “My Super Sweet Sixteen”. It is a reality TV show that
documents very rich families who want to give their child the best
birthday bash ever. The show documents the sweet 16er as they plan
every detail of their party. During the planning of the event, the
birthday boy/girl usually lashes out claiming their parents aren’t
getting specific details right. In some cases, disputes arise over
drapery or center pieces. It’s all about me! The lack of generosity. Lots
of research has been done to examine exactly how teens spend their
money. Currently people aged 13-19 spend more than $190 Billion
dollars per year. A recent study shows that teens spend a lot of
money, but on what costs less. 51 percent of teen’s weekly
purchases are for items costing less than $25 (CD’s, snacks and
beverages, gasoline and impulse buys) and 86 percent of teen’s
weekly purchases are for items costing less than $100 (clothes,
school club dues, expenditures related to hobbies and interests).
Although they are purchasing smaller items on a weekly bases research
has also shown that a majority of teens do own some pricey
possessions. Such as TV’s, I-pods, Computers, Home stereo systems,
and in many cases cars. This need to have big ticket items might
explain in part why so many teens feel a need to have a job while
still in high school.
As you look around at what teens are buying do you notice that something is missing? No where in this list do you see teens spending money to help meet the needs of others less fortunate than themselves. Instead their money is being spent on a selfish pursuit of happiness. Almost no money is spent on charities, missions or the work of the local church. Sadly enough, this has become the American way. A recent barna survey shows that households with incomes of $40,000-$100,000 give away the lowest proportion of their income, while those who make less than $20,000 annually contribute a higher portion of their earnings. We can only suppose that if our kids make all the money they hope for they will be giving less away. Jesus doesn’t have a problem with us having possessions but he has a problem with us being greedy. If you think of the story of the rich young ruler, you see a man who has made money his God. The love of his possessions held him back from being a part of something much larger than himself. The moral of the story is still the same for us and our teens today. Greed will hold you back from serving God wholeheartedly. Our teens need to view money not as a means to further their greed but as a vehicle that help meet others needs. “There’s enough for our need, but not for our Greed.” How Much Money do teens really spend?In
1983 people aged 13-19 spent more than $40 Billion dollars per year.
In 1983 people aged 13-19 had about $200 dollars a month discretionary money.
Currently people aged 13-19 spend more than $190 Billion dollars per year. Currently people aged 13-19 have about $118 dollars per week of discretionary money.
In 1984 children influenced about $50 billion dollars a year in parent purchases. Currently it is estimated that kids now influence over $600 billion annually in parental spending. Online Pornography Unless
you’re carefully monitoring the sites that your teenager visits,
chances are that he or she has seen graphic depictions of
pornography, including pictures that portray deviant behavior.
Even if your teen isn't actively searching for such sites, simply opening a spam email can give them an eyeful. These emails are sent out to tease readers into wanting more. The
habits you form and the thought patterns you practice during teen
years set the foundations for the rest of your life.
Pornography and other "sexually-charged" material cement
unforgettable memories in their minds that will affect their futures
marriage and sex life. It will also corrupt everyday thought
patterns and how their relate to people. Other consequences can
include:
spiritual or emotional confusion, unrealistic expectations of sex, a
wall between your teen and God, addictions they’ll fight for the
rest of their life, and so much more. Predators preying on kids One
of the attractions of the Internet is the anonymity of the user, and
this is why it can be so dangerous. A child doesn't always know with
whom he or she is interacting. Children may think
they know, but unless it's a school friend or a relative, they really
can't be sure. Often we think of pedophiles as having access to
children out on the playground and other places, but because of the
way the Internet works, children can actually be interacting on their
home computers with adults who pretend to be children.
With the explosion of the Internet into a powerful, worldwide medium, the danger to children, whether they are from New York or New Zealand, has drastically increased. The most common means by which sexual predators contact children over the Internet is through chat rooms, instant messages and email. In fact, 89% of sexual solicitations were made in either chat rooms or instant messages and 1 in 5 youth (ages 10-17 years) has been sexually solicited online (JAMA, 2001). Considering that 25% of kids online participate in real time chat and 13 million use instant messaging, the risks of such children, either knowingly or unknowingly, interacting with a predator is alarming. Most online predators start innocent conversations with teens and slowly earn their trust and friendship. In this way they are able to manipulate teens into saying or doing things they wouldn’t normally do. Check out this link for parent tips to protect your child: http://www.protectkids.com/parentsafety/index.htm Instant MessagingInstant messaging is becoming an indispensable means of teen socialization, according to studies. Nearly three out of four online teens — 13 million — use instant messages (IMs). Instant messaging, which requires downloadable software (or comes built in with America Online and some other Net providers), allows users to carry on one or more real-time conversations simultaneously in text windows that pop up on a user's computer screen.
Overall, 73% of kids age 12 to 17 are online in the USA. One in five consider IMs their primary form of keeping in touch with friends; 37% use IM conversation to say something to a friend they wouldn't say face-to-face or by phone. The report says teens use IMs to communicate with teachers about schoolwork, flirt, ask someone out and even break up. Many teens now give out their user name instead of their phone number to potential friends and dates. In fact, the phenomenon of carrying on multiple individual conversations simultaneously, never possible before instant messaging, is so prevalent that scientists have given it a name: split attention. On average, a teen IM session includes online chat with more than three friends simultaneously. There are pros and cons to this form of communication. Teens have a need to feel connected to their friends and express themselves in this way. However instant messaging can be an avenue for predators. Be sure your teen knows the person they are chatting with. Caution him or her to avoid talking with people who could be lying about their age, gender, and purpose online. Internet TV As
if television wasn’t enough, now you can watch your favorite shows
on the computer. ABC, CBS, MTV, and VH1 have added a feature to their
websites that allows viewers to watch recent episodes of popular
shows at their convenience. This new element is catching on quite
quickly with teens. Some of the most popular shows being viewed are
Grey’s Anatomy, CSI, The Real World and much more. Web TV is
actually decreasing viewers from traditional television.
Another form of television on the internet are racy shows with short 4-5 minute episodes. The “webisodes” get straight to the point excluding any scenes that aren’t necessary for the viewer to follow the show’s message. Prom Queen, a show on myspace, is mostly about teenage life. Unfortunately much of this show revolves around sexual activity, drug use, and drama amongst friends or family. The short episodes are packed with inappropriate scenes and suggestions. Fearnet.com, a site for fans of horror films, features the show Devil’s Trade. This show is about characters who buy cursed items online. When the item arrives horrible things begin to happen to them. The level of violence and gore will be high in each episode. Prom Queen and Devil’s Trade are just a couple of examples. Watch out for more web shows to surface and become popular. Safe Internet Ideas for parents
Unhealthy Friendships Teens
spend a large percentage of their time with friends. With this being
true, having positive friendships is crucial to your teen’s
well-being. Be alert for friends that say or do things that make
your teen feel bad about who they are. Wanting to feel accepted in a
group of friends can cause a teen to compromise who they are or what
they believe. Unhealthy friendships discourage individuals for having
different likes, dislikes, habits, etc. Another aspect to be on the
look out for is one-sided relationships. If your teen has a friend
that only “takes” from the friendship but never gives back, they
may become drained emotionally. If your teen seems to be acting out of character for themselves after spending time with a friend a red flag should go up. Do remember that teens are very sensitive about their friends and this subject should be approached with care. Try to show your teen you care about them. Explain your concerns gently as not to put your teen on the defense. And as always the best way to show your teen how to chose friends wisely is to live it out in front of them in your life. Healthy Friendships A
good principle in choosing friends is knowing who you should allow to
be influencers and who you should be influencing. Your teen’s best,
closest friends should share the same values and morals as them. They
should be people who encourage them in their spiritual walk and
challenge them to become a better follower as they do the same for
those friends. This inner circle should consist of people they can
take advice from and share struggles with, knowing they will steer
them in a virtuous direction. However, we cannot expect 100% of your teen’s friends to be God fearing, spiritual kids. As the bible says in John:17, we aren’t going to be taken out of this world the minute we become followers of Christ, but we are to learn to stand firm and be influencers in this world. With this being the case, the friends who do not promote the lifestyle we believe in shouldn’t be cut out of our lives completely. They will never know the love of God if we remove them from our lives. What we should attempt to do is encourage your teen to allow these friends to be more like acquaintances. They will still see them and talk with them on a daily basis, occasionally spending time with them, but we won’t allow them to sway our beliefs. These friends make up more of an outer circle. When teaching teens to stand in a world full of evil and temptation it’s important they know where to draw the line.
Putting this simple principle into practice can make a huge difference in a teen’s life decisions. Talk with your teen about this standard for friendship. Impact your teens friends Considering
my teen years, I can always remember how fun it was to hang out at my
friend’s house. Back then I didn’t realize what I realize now. I
was very fortunate. My two closest friends in high school had amazing
parents. Although I was at their house to hang out with their sons,
their children were not the only ones who had a huge influence in my
life. Both of these families treated me like I was one of their own.
I grew up in a home where I was close with my parents, but the
additional love from an outside source was helpful too. In fact
recent studies have shown that the more positive adult influences a
teen has in their life the better adults they become. Now that I am an adult, I realize how much effort this investment takes. It is hard enough to parent your own children let alone your children’s friends, but trust me it is worth it. You never really know how much of a difference you are making. In fact, to this day I credit both families of my two friends for my passion for youth ministry. They showed me the impact ordinary, everyday people can make on young people. They were not employed by the church yet they showed me the importance of investing your life in other people. So based on what I have experienced growing up and what I have put into practice in my own life here are some ideas how to not only be a smart parent but how to make a difference in the life of your teen’s friends. Tips for parents
A lack of friends can have a negative affect on teens
God created us to interact with other human beings on many levels. In fact our purpose in life is centered around loving people. Parent relationships, dating, authority figures, friends and even acquaintances are all part of that. Of course we want our teens to have positive influences but dealing with all types of people is a part of life. Encourage and allow your teen to develop healthy friendships throughout his or her youth. Dusting: The new way to get high. There's
a new way to get high, and you could have it right next to your desk
at home. They're designed to clean your computer but, if inhaled,
these popular products have the potential to kill. It’s called
"dusting" — the term comes from the cleaning brand "Dust
Off" — and it has become a teenager’s new cheap and easily
accessible high, despite a warning on the side of each canister.
This form of inhalant abuse, “huffing,” has been around for
years, but dusting is the more specific term associated with the use
of cans of any common aerosolized computer keyboard cleaner that
contains compressed gas.
The high from the gas paralyzes the user for several minutes and gives a feeling of euphoria. Both dusting and huffing can result in damage to the brain, lungs, heart, kidneys and liver, and can cause death. In computer cleaning products, a freon type of gas, or fluorinated hydrocarbon, is the dangerous ingredient. Some retailers, like Staples and Wal-Mart, now restrict the sales of computer cleaners to buyers over 18 years of age, and many have placed warning labels on the top of cans. Choking gamesThe rush is the appeal of the choking game — or “space cowboy” or “cloud nine” or any of a dozen other names . Asphyxiation games have been around for many years, but a series of locally publicized deaths around the country over the last few years has raised awareness about this game. You would be surprised how many teens have participated in this game or at least have been present while a friend tried it. In the choking game, teens cut off air supply (in many different ways) causing them to approach fainting. Then right before they pass out they release the pressure. This makes the blood rush to the head very quickly, giving a temporary high. Teenagers are seeing the game on Internet sites like YouTube, and playing it in more threatening variations — like more often or alone with a rope. It was reported there were at least 40 deaths and 5 serious injuries from the game in the United States last year. The exact number remains uncertain because there has been little research, health professionals say, and because medical examiners have been quick in the past to rule suicide. Some adults might also dismiss the game as the slumber party goof it was in years past, when constriction to the point of death was virtually unheard of. This game is dangerous and should not be mistaken for fun. Based of article in NY Times Injuring yourself on purpose by making scratches or cuts on your body with a sharp object
Injuring yourself on purpose by making scratches or cuts on your body with a sharp object —
enough to break the skin and make it bleed — is called cutting.
Cutting is a type of self-injury.
It
is more common among girls, but guys sometimes self-injure too. Teens
may cut themselves on their wrists, arms, legs, or bellies. When cuts
heal, they often leave scars or marks.
Cutting
is a physical release of overwhelming emotional stress. It
is a way some people try to cope with the pain of strong emotions,
intense pressure, or upsetting relationship problems. They may be
dealing with feelings that seem too difficult to bear, or bad
situations they think can't change.
The pain releases endorphins that help soothe and clear the mind of
built up anger and anxiety. If you know of a teen “cutter”, encourage other ways to cope with difficulties. The help of a mental health professional might be needed for major life troubles. For other tough situations or strong emotions, it can help put things in perspective to talk problems over with parents, other adults, or friends. Believe it or not, getting plenty of exercise can also help put problems into perspective. People who cut may not have developed these skills. When emotions don't get expressed in a healthy way, tension can build up — sometimes to a point where it seems almost unbearable. Cutting may be an attempt to relieve that extreme tension. It's a confused way of feeling in control. http://www.kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/mental_health/cutting.html |
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